Insomnia, What a D*ck.

Sometimes, I just know when I don’t have a chance in Hell at falling asleep. Sometimes, my insomnia will just sneak up on me around 1:30 AM, talking smack like “Oooh you thought you were tired did you??!!  Well, think about this – can you make a mental list of all the meals you want to cook this week?”  or “What if the zombie apocalypse started tonight?  Are you prepared? What’s your plan?” or “Hey, what if you or a close loved one got cancer?  Feelings? Ready, set, go!”  What a f*cking douche-bag right?

If my insomnia were a person, I imagine he would wear Affliction tees, have a steroid problem and take issue with strong independent women.  Maybe he has a gambling problem too….and he’s a dead beat dad, yeah.  I bet he parks in handicapped parking spots, or no, better – he’s the guy that parks his BMW diagonally across three spots in the lot so no one “dings” his door (side note: if you are someone who does this, and I happen upon your vehicle, you are in serious danger of having your car keyed the F up).

Do you know when I thought this description up?  If you guessed between the hours of 2AM and when the sun began slowly rising in the morning sky, congratulations, you’re right!

Sometimes this jerk turns me against other people, like my boyfriend (anyone sleeping near me while I’m wide awake will do).  He says things like “look at this asshole fast asleep ova here!  He’s dreaming peacefully while your staring at the ceiling.  Don’t you just wanna ‘accidentally’ slap him while you’re ‘rolling over’??”  or “How dare he snore! He’s the one keeping you up, not me!  Why don’t you just give him a quick jab with your elbow to shut him up?” 

I’ll admit, he gets the better of me most nights.  Just when I think I’m in the home stretch and my eyelids begin to feel weighted, my cat will give him a helping paw by hopping up on the bed, sitting on my chest, kneading and purring loudly in my face.  That’s when my insomnia will rear his ugly juice-head.  Any excuse to keep me up, torturing me with my own thoughts and imagination.

It’s not all bad though; sometimes I get the best ideas in the wee hours of the morning.  Actually, I thought about starting a blog during a sleepless night and I wrote my about section at around 5:15 in the morning.  If only my brain could be as productive during the day as it is from 2AM-6AM, maybe I would be a billionaire by now.  I guess that’s something I can ponder later, while I’m trying to sleep.