I’d really like to write today. It’s been a few days and I feel like I’ve got to put something out there, so here it goes. I apologize in advance because this is likely going to end up a rambled mess since I don’t have a clear idea of what I am even writing about. Also, I just chugged a cup of coffee and my fingers are trembling as I type.
I guess I should just sort out what’s on my mind…
I have now been unemployed for 10 months
Let that one sink in for a sec. 10 months. That’s 2 short months away from a year. Wow. And what have I accomplished? Well, aside from an amazing tan and starting a blog? Nothing. And for the first time in my adult life, I don’t have a plan. No “this is what’s next” or “this is what I’d like to be doing”, I haven’t got a clue.
When I was first laid off, I thought “Wonderful, now I can finally focus on what I really want to do with my life!” But now, I’ve come to realize that you must first know what it is that you want to be doing. Talk about a quarter life crisis people… I honestly thought that now that I didn’t have a job, I would suddenly figure out my niche in life – as if because I don’t have all the distractions of commuting and meetings and clients, it would just fall into place, right before my eyes.
I thought going back to school was my solution, and maybe it was, but I got spooked once my bill was due and decided not to go through with it. I’m at the point now where I feel hopelessly lost and filled with anxiety over this entire situation. I am applying for jobs that I don’t really want, but am amply qualified, if not over-qualified for, and even that is getting me nowhere. Apparently, no one wants to hire someone that’s been out of work for 10 months. It’s true; check it out here.
I am lucky enough to have an amazingly supportive boyfriend, who hasn’t once made me feel inadequate or pressured about not finding a job. I’m in a very fortunate position financially as well, since I did have a good paying job for the last 4 years and not many overhead expenses I was able to save a decent amount to keep me afloat. For me, thankfully, this is only an existential crisis, but that doesn’t stop me from feeling like a complete failure.
My insomnia is back with a vengeance
If you’ve been reading my blog, then you know I have an issue with falling asleep (read this, it’s good for a laugh…). And while I like catching up on late night TV, and reading, and contemplating the mysteries of the universe, I like sleep a whole lot more. I’m a more productive and well-adjusted member of society when I’ve gotten at least 6 solid hours in. The fact that my boyfriend happens to work for a reputable mattress company that’s focused on “selling sleep” is just the ironic icing on the f*ck you cake.
The fact that I have a sleep disorder is not the only issue. An equally annoying problem is all of the good-intentioned folks who think they can cure me by giving me the most obvious advice. Don’t get me wrong; I understand that they’re just trying to help. Besides, we’ve all done it. We just want people to feel better. Most human beings don’t find it sufficient to just say, “wow, that sucks” and call it a day. Most people, in my experience, want to kiss your boo-boo and make it all better; but let’s be real – I have had problems sleeping for almost half my life, if you think I haven’t tried just about anything to fix it you’ve got to be delusional. If I hear, “maybe you should take melatonin” or “you should try staying away from caffeine” one more time, I just might snap.
On the plus side, there has been a few nights I was glad to be awake during the wee hours of the morning. Like 2 weeks ago when one of my friends got in at 4:30 AM and decided to drunk-skype with me. I mean, to think I could’ve missed out on that because of sleep?! Ah, who am I kidding, sleep would have been fantastic (it was pretty entertaining for about 30 minutes though…).
When I have been sleeping, I’ve been having the craziest and realistic feeling dreams. Last night, it was that I owned a jaguar (the cat, not the car) and I was worried that if I left my door open while I slept, it would eat my face. That was the most normal dream I’ve had in a month.
Fortunately, I know that my sleep “issues” come in cycles, and it seems that it’s winding down. I have actually gotten a decent nights’ sleep for 6 days in a row now. For now, I’ll take that as a win, but nonetheless it’s something that has been on my mind.
I’m not nearly as “fit” as I’d like to be
This is one of those issues that I’m sure many of you out there can relate to. It’s also one of the most self-deprecating areas of my life. I am a very confident person. I know I have a fun personality, I know I’m reasonably good-looking and I know I’m relatively smart. When it comes to my body however, well, there I am just full of insecurities and self-hate.
I blame myself, I always have. Starting as a pre-teen, and up until I was about 19 or so I struggled with bulimia; and though that is a much longer and more complicated story than I am prepared to go into a the moment, I will say, that I still struggle with the same thoughts and feelings about my weight and body as I did then, even if I don’t go through the process of bingeing and purging.
I am currently the heaviest I have ever been in my life. I feel ashamed and disgusted by this fact.
Even though my I tend to put the full blame on myself, I know this is not entirely in my control. Right around the time I was laid off, I was diagnosed with PCOS or Polycystic Ovary Syndrome. I had never gotten a consistent period without the use of birth control, and once I went off of it, I quickly put on 15 pounds that I have been unable to lose, despite my calorie tracking and work outs.
I know if I really put all of my effort into my workouts and diet I can achieve success, but sometimes it’s hard to push through when I just want to give up. It’s beyond frustrating to feel like my body just won’t work with me and to know that this will likely be a life-long struggle.
So there you have it. These are the 3 things that have been plaguing my thoughts lately and steadily driving me into crisis mode. I know this wasn’t the most cheerful of posts and I’m sorry if I came off as a complaining, unmotivated, mess – but right now, that’s kind of where I’m at and I just needed to vent it out. These problems may seem insignificant to some of you, and you’re probably right – It could definitely be worse and I’m thankful that it’s not. I just have to keep one foot in front of the other and try not to get seduced by laziness to get though this. I’ll get there someday, I’m sure of it.